it’s been a long time since I’ve written a post on tumblr. it’s been a long time since I let my feelings out, but this pain, this sadness is just too much to bear right now. I hate myself. More than ever. It’s like freshman and last year all over again. I thought I was finally happy with myself, you know? Comfortable with my body. But I’m not. I hate my body. I hate how I gave up trying to be fit, how I let myself get so fat and disgusting and ugly. Everyday I weigh myself. Everyday I look at my stomach in the mirror, hoping I’ve gotten even a centimeter thinner. But nothing. Every time I start exercising and dieting, I always give up. I always end up falling back into my habits. It’s like I can’t control myself. The worst part is that after every diet I gain even more weight. I have no one else to blame but myself. I am the one who gave up. I am the one who is disgusting. I just wish I could feel happy with who I am. People don’t understand that my weight is a big part of me. My looks in general really matter to me. I don’t want to be that girl I use to be in elementary and middle school and freshman gear. I don’t want to hear comments about how I’m fat. I don’t want to be called the big sister again. I don’t want to be made fun of behind my back. I don’t want to hear my mom complain about my weight. I don’t want to be laughed at by guys again. I just don’t. I’m so scared of being that girl again. It’s enough that I already get comments by my family about how I’ve gained weight since my 15th birthday party. It’s horrible having to hear Thomas make jokes about my looks. He thinks its funny, but it’s not. He doesn’t know that I actually remember every word he says and go home and look at myself, just to realize he was right. Just to end up crying at night and beating myself up over it.